What Happened In The Shower

I do my best thinking/praying in the shower. I don't know if it is the extended period of silence, the relaxation of the warm water, or the chance to just be alone, but most of my epiphanies happen over wet tile. This morning was no exception. I'll explain in a minute.

Also this morning, Seth went to get his blood redrawn for his liver panel test. We should have the results on Monday, and then it will be decided whether or not he needs a liver biopsy. The past two months that we've been waiting for this next set of tests, we've both sort of put the whole thing out of mind, rested in God's peace, and just gone on with the business of living life. But as the test loomed over us this week, I've found myself giving into the temptation to worry a little bit. And once I give into to anxiety, then I start coming up with all sorts of worst case scenarios. Not pretty, not good, and definitely not productive.

I also have to confess that my prayers the past week have really been just sort of a blanket appeal: "Come on God, please just give me a break". After all that has transpired this year, I just feel incapable of being able to handle having a husband with a major illness/disease. Frankly, I still am not that confident in how I'll be able to cope. I feel like it has been all I can do to just hold on lately- and "another thing" might just be the tipping point.

So this week I have come to God with my requests, confident that He hears them, confident that He is able to do something about them, but not really confident in His care. I know that He is trustworthy, and tender, and loving, but I haven't really felt that He is all of those things. But then I had the aha-moment in the shower.

You see, this year those whom I should have been able to trust let me down. Let me down in a big, destructive way. And I'm hurt. And I'm wary. And I'm weary.

And, while lathering my hair with coconut shampoo this morning, I came to the realization that in the midst of all of this turmoil, pain and betrayal have silently been polluting my image of God. I've been letting the rejection and heartache I've been experiencing form a frame around who I think God is and what I think He is capable/willing to do in our lives. And let me tell you that it is one ugly frame.

God should not be made to fit into man-sized proportions. Instead of seeing God as the so-far-beyond-what-I-can-comprehend Being that He is, I've been squeezing Him into a finite construct so I can then try and wrap my teensy little brain around who He is and what He's up to. But there is a lot of trouble when we stop seeing humankind through God's eyes and mistakenly try and understand God through our experience with humankind. And that's exactly what I've been doing.

Though it wasn't conscious, I'd been letting my pain define my God, instead of letting my God define my pain.

So this morning, I'm praying for a clean slate - a new perspective of hope, renewed trust in His love for me, and a fresh ability to rest in that love. I'm praying for a heart that is not hardened by scars, but one that is softened by the continuously healing hand of Christ. I'm praying that no matter what the test results reveal, what life throws at me, or what "other thing" each new day brings, I will be able to bless the Lord's name with full assurance in His tender care, and His ability to work all things together for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose.

And that's what happened in the shower.