Terrible Mother

I’m a terrible mother.

She hadn’t had a nap, and I’d dragged her to another afternoon play rehearsal. She was cranky, tired, and just plain OVER IT! She fussed, she whined, she cried, she screamed. It wasn’t pretty. In fact – it was down right humiliating. The principal tried to cheer her up with his usually effective antics – the play director tried distracting her – we gave her a 30 gallon plastic tub of Legos to swim in. Nothing worked. She refused to be cajoled out of her tantrum.

I’m a terrible mother.

Earlier we had walked up and down the halls of the school finishing a few pre-rehearsal errands. Another teacher grabbed me to discuss some scheduling issues. As we stood there in deep conversation, I suddenly realized Juliette had disappeared. I called her name. She didn’t answer. I looked into a couple of the adjacent rooms. Nowhere. Suddenly she appeared from across the hall carrying a new found treasure – a bright blue plastic pail with the words “BARF BUCKET” boldly printed on the side.

I’m a terrible mother.

Later as the rehearsal was wrapping up, I took a few minutes to start cleaning out some of our activity storage space. Jewel had finally settled down, so I let her run around the cafeteria for a few minutes – anything to buy some peace. As I turned around to empty out a few bins, I didn’t notice that the drama club students had opened the outside doors. Two minutes later as I scanned the room, Juliette was nowhere to be found – again. But this time when I found her, she wasn’t carrying a puke receptacle; instead she was running down the school sidewalk, just feet away from oncoming traffic.

I’m a terrible mother.

It has taken quite a few days for the scene of imaginary tragedy to stop running through my head. Thank goodness my legs move faster than hers. Thank goodness she didn’t make the split second decision to bolt in front of the two cars. Thank Goodness for His guardian angels!

Yes, I definitely feel like a terrible mother!

Let’s face it, there are certainly times when we can (and probably should!) make better choices as mothers. There are times when we ask too much of ourselves or our children. There are times when we mess up – and it is ugly, gross, and terrifying.

When I think about the person I want to be, the mom I want to be, I’m realizing more and more that I just don’t measure up. I’m human. And as much as I’d love to be a perfect mom, with a perfect child, it just isn’t possible. Darn it!

But who I want to be is someone who is able to accept those human frailties in the light of God’s mercy. I want to be the type of person that doesn’t waste time beating myself up, but a person who can say, “Thank goodness God’s not finished with me yet.” I want to be able to say, “Well, I really botched that one – thank you Jesus for protecting my daughter today.” When all is said and done, I want Juliette to say, “My mother may not have been perfect, but she continually pointed me to the One Who Is.”

So yes, at times I am a terrible mother – but I am always a terribly undeserving mother who is covered by God’s beautiful, extravagant grace!  And for that truth I couldn't be any more grateful.